Lakers

Sixteen banners hang in the rafters and this bag knows it. The horned yellow smiley smirking through black shades on a purple paint-splattered face isn't asking permission — it's Jack Nicholson in the front row, it's Kobe walking off in '16 with sixty hung on Utah, it's Shaq snapping a backboard and shrugging. Graffiti letters drip around a devil-smiley mascot wearing Lakers gold like it already fitted itself for ring seventeen.

Flip it over: grey carpet stick side that grabs the board like Mamba on a closeout and refuses to give up the lane. Flip again: a slick side that runs like a Magic outlet pass — no-look, full speed, on the money. A 5/9 hybrid means you block the hole on one toss and skyhook a runner over a stack on the next. Kareem would approve. LeBron would nod.

Pull the trigger. Rings don't chase themselves, and that smirking smiley's already been measured for one.